Life with Teenagers...Who turned out Pretty Good!

When Kelly was in about the 6th Grade in Oklahoma, a DARE officer would visit her classroom periodically.  Kelly was my child who shared everything about her school day.  One day she came home and told me that the DARE officer had come to their classroom and given them a test intended for measuring their personal stress level.  The results were based on their personal activities and their home life.  Kelly laughed and told me that the officer had been stunned by her results.  In fact, he didn't believe them.  She showed virtually no stress.  Upon further investigation, I discovered the nature of the questions which he had posed to the students.  Apparently a child whose parents are still married and who don't have loud fights and arguments is a key factor for lower stress levels.  A family home that is free of alcohol and drugs rates right up there for low stress levels in children.  A child upon whom little outside demands are made - one who is allowed to play at home instead of being overly busy with sports and other outside activities - is a more stress-free child.  A home where the father is employed and the mother is home when the child gets out of school is best for less stress.  Regular church attendance and family faith agrees well with families producing lower stress, as well.  Kelly's life ticked every box.  She was the only one in the room.  In defense of the DARE officer, I'm sure it was unbelievable.

When Kelly was in the 7th grade we moved.  It was difficult.  She was shy and would have to make new friends.  I went for parent/teacher conference and her teacher confirmed what I already knew.  She was worried about Kelly.  She said, "Kelly has no friends. She is doing fine in all of her subjects and in her school work, but she has no friends."  She asked if she had neighborhood or church friends.  The truth was, no - not really.  She had us.  She had Lacey and she had a youth group, but not really any friends with whom to share things or with whom to go places.  I still felt she was pretty well adjusted and thought the best thing was to just wait.  One day her teacher asked me to fill in for her for an hour while the teachers did something else at school and I agreed.  I went home and thought about what I had witnessed.  I knew why Kelly didn't have friends.  Because there was NO ONE in her class that was like her.  She was that stress-free, lone child in her class.  I was ok with that.  In God's time, the friends came and He was molding her and making her His - the way He wanted her to be.

When Lacey was in elementary school, some of her best friends' parents decided to home school for various reasons.  Although I am a public school advocate, I decided to talk to her about it.  I asked if she would like to be home schooled.  Without hesitation she put up her little hand, palm facing toward me (as she has been known to do many times in her life) and said, "But Mom, if all of the Christians home school, what would happen to the kids in school?  Who would tell them about Jesus?"  That settled that issue.  Her little missionary/minister's heart came spilling out of her mouth and taught me a truth about what God expects of not only us, but also our children who know Him.

Kelly and Lacey were saved at a very early age - six and seven respectively.  It was with fear and trembling that I accepted their faith.  I knew and was 100% sure of my own, but questioned that 100% of theirs.  When it was pointed out to me that we can never be 100% sure of anyone but ourselves, I learned to live with it.  I learned then, that it was God who was firmly in control of my girls and He was trustworthy.

At a very early age I began praying for them.  I decided to pray scripture over their lives - that they would love the Lord their God with all of their hearts, souls, minds, and strength.  I believed that if they did that, everything else would be covered.  It freed me from having to think of everything that could go wrong or could hurt them in this world.  (Since then, I have prayed the same for all 5 of my precious grandchildren but have added the important - and they love others as they love themselves).

When they were both still in elementary school (Kelly maybe in early Junior High), I remember a conversation I had with some ladies.  We were talking about a very young girl who was wearing an "ankle bracelet" (in lieu of being incarcerated) to school.  In confidence, as a Christian mother who kept a watchful eye on her children, I said, "Well, she would not be welcome in my home."  Another lady was standing there who was obviously greatly disturbed by my determined declaration and asked, "Really?  Why?"  I might have falter just a bit but then jumped in with all the wisdom and authority I could muster at her backlash and said, "Because I have two girls who are impressionable and at a vulnerable age who might be influenced by her bad behavior.  I won't have that and I don't think I'm wrong.  I should protect my children."  But I never forgot the conversation.  I have seen God work in my life in this way many times.  I make a statement to stand by - He shows me how wrong I am.  Years later, when my daughters were in High School, I looked around a room in our home and laughed out loud, as I remembered this encounter.  There were teenagers from all walks of life sitting around in our "back room" where Jesus' love was shown and experienced. Many of them had unfortunate life experiences - things I would have never willingly exposed to my children.  But Jesus changes lives - and yes, He had indeed, used my children to reach their friends in school.

Kelly is my tell-all child.  When she went to her first dance in the 6th grade she came home and told me all about the way kids were slow dancing.  She told me about the boy sticking his hand in her best friend's back pocket.  I was so glad she was shocked by it.  But I knew I couldn't be, or she would never tell me anything again.  I was blessed to have a relationship with my girls and their friends where talking freely was encouraged.  I caught a lot more "flies" with the sweet honey of communication and avoided many of the pesky complications of the teen years by serving it generously.  As my girls grew into their teen years, I was often privy to "girl talk" amongst them and their girlfriends, so I knew much of what was happening, not only in their lives but also in the lives of other teenagers.  It hurt my heart that so many parents were oblivious to the activities of their teens or just found it easier to stay naive.   I don't want to leave the impression that I knew everything that happened.  Although I don't think I missed any of the really big issues, I certainly did find out things that would have not pleased me after the fact quite often.

As I said before, Kelly and Lacey were both saved at a very young age.  Even though I could not be 100% sure of their relationship with Jesus, I could and did keep the lines of communication open with them, talking about Him and His love and salvation often in our home.  (The car - commutes were a great place for conversations like these).  In their young teen/pre-teen years I had an encounter with each of them that helped me to know and believe their conversion was the real deal.

Mickey and I decided to help lead a "middle school ministry" in our church.  Our school had Middle School and the students didn't fit - they were too old for the elementary program and too young for youth.  We had a great support system of a paid youth intern and parents who worked with us.  We had parties and activities that were of interest to them and we got to know them better.  One of the things we did was Middle School Camp.  I went as a parent sponsor.  When you mix emotional music and a motivational Bible teacher with raging hormonal pre-teens, you get a flood of young people at alter call - and that was exactly what happened.  There was a lot of crying and hugging and decision making.  I think we had six or seven who made new commitments to Christ, saying their initial salvation experience had not been real and they wanted to make it real.  I watched Lacey throughout this week of services.  She prayed and worshiped and carried on.  When I got a chance to speak to Lacey alone, I probed - which she always hated (hates).  I asked her what she thought of all of her friends getting RE-saved.  She said, "Oh, Mom, I am so happy for them."  I dug a little deeper and asked, "What about you?"  She looked at me without blinking and said almost in disgust, "MOooM - I was saved when I was seven and I know it and I am still saved and I know it."  That settled it.  I was so much closer to 100% and I never even doubted or questioned her faith again.

Kelly called late one night when she had been to an event with her youth group.  She was calling for a ride home but she was excited and crying.  She was in the eighth grade.  She and her homie girls had gone with our interim youth guy to a Power Team event in Springdale at the big church there.  She said, "Mom...the most wonderful thing happened tonight.  I got baptized!"  I was a bit taken back and said to my emotionally over-taken daughter, "Okay..we'll be right there to get you and then we'll talk about it."  She and all of her friends had been herded into a side room after making their way to the alter following a call for everyone who loved Jesus to do so.  Before going into the room they were challenged with this statement, "If you love Jesus but you have ever had a doubt about your salvation, then you are not saved.  You can be tonight if you say this prayer and then we are going to baptize you."  The interim youth director didn't know what to do.  He had all of these 7th and 8th grade girls who were swelling with emotion and standing in line with their curtesy pair of dry panties in hand, waiting to be baptized and re-baptized.  As they went through the waters and came out one by one, he was standing there waiting on them.  The well known pastor of the church approached them and queried, "Who are you girls here with?".  Brad stepped forward and claimed them noting they were from his church.  Without looking at or acknowledging Brad, he kept his eyes on these five young girls and said, "Well, now that you have been baptized here, you are members of our church.  We will be in touch with you."  As they got into Brad's vehicle, one burst into tears and said, "I am Methodist and my momma doesn't want me to be Baptist!"  Brad didn't really know what to do so he brought them home.  I did, however, know what to do.  I picked up my eighth grader and took her home.  Her dad and I sat down with her and began to talk about what had happened.  We listened to her story.  We reminded her again, as we had often done, of her commitment to Jesus and baptism when she was six.  We had never talked about recommitment or rededication before and so we took that opportunity.  She listened intently.  At the end of the conversation she offered this evaluation on her own - she had never considered a need for recommitting her life to Christ as a possibility, having been saved at such an early age.  She determined that night that she had merely been swimming and that her first baptism was indeed her real baptism. That night was a time of recommitment that she never forgot.   That I know of, she has not recanted or changed her mind about that.  Her heart has belonged to Jesus as her Lord for practically her whole life.  Her momma knew it too - almost to 100%.  The next morning I met with Brad to talk about what had happened.  He was still in shock and didn't quite know what to do.  The other girls who had also been baptized were one of Kelly's friends who had previously made a profession of faith but her parents had asked the pastor to wait to baptize her until the family could be there, a girl whose family were not even Believers and our own pastor's daughter.  We fondly remember it as the time Kelly went swimming in the Baptistry.  As for the others, the new convert who was waiting for her family claimed the experience for her real baptism and the family dealt with it, the girl from the non-believing family continued to come to church as long as we lived there and the pastor's daughter had to be re-re-baptized because her father made her do it.  The girls' membership had to be "moved" back to our home church.

The family was sitting around our table talking about Kelly going to High School.  We were looking at information about the different tracks that the school offered.  Lacey was listening while she was busy with some other work at the table.  I said, "Well, Kelly, since you have never made anything but A's on your report cards, I really think you need to take the college prep track."  Lacey's head almost swirled on her neck in disbelief.  She exclaimed, "WHAT?  Did you say that Kelly has never made anything but A's?"  She continued, "You mean to tell me that all this time she has been smarter than me and I didn't even know it?"  Then she dropped her head and banged it on the table.  The rest of us looked at each other in disbelief not knowing how to respond.  It was stunning and also a little humorous but we dared not laugh - she was devastated by the unhidden revelation.  Grades had never been a major focus in our house.  We wanted the girls to do well.  We wanted them to succeed.  But we also wanted them to be balanced in work and play.  We wanted them to do their own work and learn at their own pace.  We never pushed them or did their homework for them.  We didn't focus too much on their report cards. We did't give rewards or punishment based on grades.  We knew they were very different and that their learning styles were very different.  Their strengths and weaknesses were also different.  We were very glad that on that night, it was Lacey's first clue that she and her sister excelled in different ways and that she had not known that because of the way we treated her.

God had planned for and made them both.  He had given them each their own abilities and even disabilities.  Through the years we discovered and sought out those differences, giving each of them room to grow and excel in the areas where they fit the best.  Lacey was a springy little Tigger and Kelly was an Eeyore (Characters from Winnie-the-Pooh).  Lacey never met a stranger and Kelly would hide behind my legs.  Lacey didn't focus well on book studies and Kelly was a book worm.  Lacey was a kinesthetic learner and Kelly learned the more traditional way - highly visual and highly auditory.  As they grew into the teen years and beyond, their own experiences began to define them and they had somewhat of a role reversal.  Lacey became more private and introverted and Kelly burst forth into a social butterfly who was more extroverted but still had some shy tendencies.

When Kelly was 16 she had a group of friends that were her homies.  They were mostly a year younger than her and then she also had a good friend with whom she had reconnected in the eighth grade who was her age.  She met Sarah in the 7th grade - remember that class which in which she had no friends?  Sarah had been her lone friend - someone who was more like her.  Sarah was shy and was a little chubby, like Kelly.  She and Kelly began a friendship out of loneliness and isolation, I think.  Unfortunately, Sarah developed Mono and was put on home study for much of their 7th grade year.  That left Kelly alone again.  Kelly joined the Acteens (a teen missional group at church) and there she found her stride - and many friends who were like her.  They were all a year younger than her, but they loved her and she loved them.  When Sarah returned to school, she also became a part of this band of fun-loving girlfriends.

As I had said before, Kelly could not keep from telling us everything - the whole plot of the movie or book, what other kids at school had done wrong, and any injustice that she had witnessed.  One night we were in our room and everyone was getting ready for dinner.  Kelly appeared in our doorway and was quite distressed.  We invited her in and waited for her to speak.  "Mom and Dad, I have to tell you something..." she began to tear up and choked on her words.  We were anxiously waiting for some really bad news.  She burst out, "I let Angela drive my car!"  (Angela was only 15 and driver license-less).  "She wanted to and so I let her.  I know you told me to never let anyone else drive my car but I did."  She proceeded to tell us the details.  Mickey and I sat there with our mouths virtually dropped open and not believing she was telling on herself.  We waited and listened, not sure of what we should do or say.  The deed had been done and was in the past.  She had not been able to contain her own guilt and had suffered from it's cruel nagging.  We later acknowledged that neither of us would have ever confessed such to our parents. And although we were proud of her for doing so, we realized that it was a little freaky to have a child who would do such of a thing.  As straight-faced as possible I said, "Well, you know we are going to have to punish you for this, right?"  She humbly agreed, which made it all the much harder to hold back a grin.  All the while I was trying to come up with an appropriate punishment that fit the crime yet was generous in recognition of the confession.  I said, "You will be grounded from driving for two weeks."  I of course added, "And don't ever do it again."  She nodded and in relief said, "I just couldn't not tell you.  It was coming between me and God." She did her time and we were amazed.

The time came for us to move "home".  Lacey had been chosen to be a cheerleader for the following year and Kelly was going into her Junior year of High School.  Lacey was almost relieved and very excited to know we were moving back to Batesville with the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and Cousins.  Kelly threw something at the mini-blind, in anger, and broke it.  Then she almost immediately began to accept it.  We had experienced loss and hurt and we needed the safety net of home and family.  We weren't sure about moving Lacey as a Junior High student or Kelly in her last high school years, but we knew we all needed the new start.  Mickey would be traveling all the time and I needed the support of family and old friends and our church.

As we pulled into town, Lacey looked at Kelly and said, "Well, Kelly - it looks like it is you and me.  We will have to be each other's best friends."  Although they may not have meant it or intended it, I think that is exactly what happened.  They became best friends for a life time.

When we moved home, having been raised in Batesville and lived there for many years, we knew the town.  We knew the pitfalls and we knew the people.  Our first conversation with our eighth grade and eleventh grade daughters went something like this:  You are not allowed to go to the River to hang out - where drugs and alcohol are passed around.  You are not allowed to go to the bowling alley - because people die there.  You may have anyone you want to come to your house at any time.  Those were our basic rules.  Kelly reacted in disgust by saying, "NO ONE will ever want to come here!" (My favorite day was when we had about 30 kids over at our house and I reminded Kelly that she had said that).  I wasn't worried too much about Lacey because she was still young, didn't drive and had her cousins to be friends with.  It was Kelly that I worried over.  She was driving in the last years of High School and wasn't quite sure of herself even yet.  The first morning of High School, she walked into the BHS campus and was greeted by an old elementary friend who came over to her and said, "Kelly, you come and stand with us."  What a blessing that young man was on that day.  Kelly's best friend from grade school was there and they had remained somewhat connected.  She was a part of that group of people.  Although those people didn't become her primary friends, they did remain school friends until she graduated.  She and Lacey both found their place with the youth at First Baptist.  About two weeks after moving back to Batesville, Kelly and Lacey came in after school and asked, "Mom, can we have $5 apiece?"  Of course, I was curious and asked what they were going to do with $5.  "We're going to the thrift shop and buying T-shirts.  We can get 5 for $5."  Kelly added, "That is the way I'm going to dress now."  OH, NO!  What was happening to my cute teenage girls who were just at the fun shopping age? I knew that their new youth pastor, Daren, and the youth at First Baptist with whom they had both identified were of great influence.  I wasn't sure that I like it.

I made it my business to "get to know" this young whipper snapper of a youth pastor who was influencing my girls in dress, actions, and music.  It was all so foreign to me.  I felt a little out of control.  I went to a ballgame and found him sitting alone.  I plopped myself down beside him and introduced myself.  He didn't even look at me and hardly acknowledged me.  I didn't like him and was a little rattled.  He had bright yellow died hair that was stiff enough to poke an eye out if he decided to use it as a weapon.  He had on heavy metal chains, torn jeans and a T-shirt that was tight and old and even worn out.  He spoke with a rude mumble to me and shouted to a youth across the room, probably jabbing them about something they were doing.  He laughed loudly - but not with or at me.  My girls loved this boy already.  Not in a romantic way but in awe and respect for his teachings and ministry.  I knew I had to learn to love him, too.  Not only my girls loved him, but the young people of the whole town loved him.  He imparted Jesus and Jesus' teachings.  He bore fruit - which was his single minded intent.  The adults didn't understand him and many didn't like him.  He was an agent of change and most did not want the change that was inevitable.  Ultimately, my girls learned more about how to treat others and how to love Jesus under his ministry than any other time in their lives.  They are his fruit.

It wasn't long until they drove him away.  They dragged him around then through the mud.  They mocked him and scolded his followers.  Then they stabbed him and wounded him.  When they did, they wounded my very own...but not to the point of death.  God was still on the throne of their hearts and mine survived the near fatal wound and lived to be ministers of the Gospel today.  He, too lives and thrives for Jesus' sake.

What I did like was the day when my eleventh grade, typically shy, daughter walked in and announced to me, "Mom, I've decided that I don't care what other people think...I am going to be myself and be ok with it."  She blossomed after that.  She came into her own.  She learned to play guitar and started her career of songwriting.  She and her new homies began singing and playing together.  She and Lacey enjoyed being a part of each other's lives.  Lacey hadn't found the close friendships that I thought she would in her class.  She was the youngest of the group of girls that would mold my girls' lives from that point on.  They had a strong identification with these girls who ranged from Kelly's to Lacey's ages.  There were six of them who did life together that year.  They became bonded and grew close together, embracing my girls as though they'd always been friends.
They also found some young men who came to mean a lot to them over the years.  So they had it - deep friendships that would help them develop good relationships for their futures.  I was learning what it meant to be the mother of emerging teenagers.

During those years they did some things that I didn't know about but found out soon after the fact.  Kelly backed out and hit our brand new car in the door because she was running late and didn't want to ask someone to move it.  Kelly pulled out of the driveway with the door still open as Lacey was getting in, scraping the door of our van as she went.  Lacey jumped out of the car while it was going because she had made Kelly late and Kelly wasn't going to let her out in front of her school.  Yes, I see a theme - Kelly shouldn't have been trusted to drive.

There were other things.  Lacey's wardrobe took a severe downhill slide after she began thrift store shopping.  She wore a scary attire including Doc Martin black army lace up boots with dresses, a grey sweatshirt skirt and either black or grey shirts, and a black hoodie with Abortion is Mean written on the front.  She cut her hair really short and had braces during those years.  She wore white eye-liner and black mascara as well as metal jewelry.  She did not get tattoos or color her hair but she did secretly let a girl pierce under her tongue with a safely pin and tried to do the same to a friend of hers in the bathroom at school.  She listened primarily to hard rock Christian music and bands who screamed instead of singing.

Kelly pulled up in front of the High School one morning and sat there.  She looked down and just couldn't bring herself to get out.  She had worn some plaid men's bowling pants to school, thinking they were cool when she put them on but then second guessed her decision once she got to school.  A guy friend of hers, who was apparently late, saw her sitting in her car and came to see what was going on.  She stepped out and he fell on the ground in laughter.  That was enough for her, so when he got up, she walked in with him proudly.  However, she never wore them again, that I know of.

There were many more experiences that I could write about but my time is slipping away.  I want to be sure and tell about the Jesus loving, people loving and serving and ministers of the gospel they became during this time in their lives.  They were known as friends who could be counted on.  They studied their Bibles and did a daily quiet time and kept journals.  They helped everyone who needed it.  They were friends to the friendless.  They never judged others but accepted people for who they were.  They built a foundation that would carry them and many of their friends through difficult times and hardships.  They didn't date in high school because they chose not to do so.  They had relationships with young men who were good friends and went on group dates instead.  They waited until college to experience love and romantic relationships.  They were not encumbered by this world and its trappings.

I'm so glad God allowed me along for the ride.  It was and is still, so much fun.  I learned so much that I would not trade.  I take no credit nor do I boast in anything but Christ alone as a mother.  He created, planned and molded my children into the women they are today.